As some of you may or may not know, in my spare time I like to be an unsolicited creative consultant to the stars. Beyonce’s upcoming Superbowl halftime show extravaganza will be one to watch, especially if she takes the opportunity to bring out high-profile guest stars. That’s what the Superbowl halftime show is all about, right? Without further ado, here’s what needs to happen:
1. For the opening, Bey takes a cue from Britney’s heyday and comes onstage strapped to a rotating platform, flipping her hair in whichever way telling the millions of viewers how “Crazy in Love” she really is. The song is a dubstep remix. Jay-Z comes out and does a new verse to the song with a rhyme that ends with the phrase “baby mama.”
2. Once Beyonce gets released from her straight jacket, the rotating platform turns into a projection screen a la the Billboard Music Awards performance. Beyonce does a choreographed routine to “Countdown,” this time something eerily resembling giving birth.
3. Kanye West, Timbaland and Justin Timberlake come walking from behind the platform for an ok male-driven rendition of “Diva.” Bey comes out wearing a motorcycle and interrupts them by asking, “But wait, don’t you know who run this world?”
4. Kelly Rowland and Michelle Williams then shoot off from below the stage, Michael Jackson-at-the-1993-Superbowl-halftime-show-style. Michelle stumbles a little upon landing but quickly recovers. The rebanded Destiny’s Child performs a kick ass remix of “Who Run the World (Independent Women & Single Ladies).” Solange and all the former Destiny’s Child members join as back-up dancers, which is just as awkward as when they joined onstage at the 2005 Espy Awards.
5. After the song ends, we hear a loud telephone ringing off to the distance. Bey does her disoriented, wtf stage face and walks over to pick up the call. “What-what-whatrrr did you say? You breakin’ up on me. Sorry I cannot hear you, I’m kinda bezzay.” (I mean, duh she’s busy, it’s the Superbowl halftime show). It takes a second for the world to recognize the melody before the rotating platform converts into Lady Gaga’s outfit (throwback to her awesome “Paparazzi” performance at the 2009 V Festival). Since Bey is wearing a motorcycle, Gaga figured Transformers would be the aesthetic motif for this performance. They sing “Telephone Part 2.” After Azealia Banks’ homophobic Twitter rants, however, her part has been given to Rihanna. She agrees on the condition that she wears a light-up telephone receiver as a bra. The ladies then sing the highly anticipated “Ratchet,” off Beyonce’s new album, Mrs. Carter.
6. Beyonce then slows it down for “Halo,” which she dedicates to the starving children in Africa. Midway through, Michelle Obama struts onstage dressed like a white angel and carrying Blue Ivy. The song finishes with Beyonce putting the mic up to Blue, who goo goo ga gas much to the world’s delight to hearing the child’s voice. Then Beyonce lifts up the mic, drops it to a loud thud on the ground, and declares that she’s seven months pregnant.