Let Him Be: How to Deal with Your Boyfriend’s Single Behavior

Last night PR powerhouse Claudia Ross invited me to dinner at Park Tavern, the new North Beach restaurant Michael Bauer called the “Stars of the 21st century.” While double fisting champagne and pinot grigio and sitting next to the pixie-licious Emily Morse, of course our conversation quickly fixated on sex and relationships and “everything in between,” as Emily would say. And it didn’t help that we were passing around a top-secret, new kind of female vibrator – but that’s another story!
Being in a relationship is about compromise, Emily and I agreed. I have always been relatively independent, a lone wolf of sorts. So whenever I do jump into something serious, it’s become somewhat of a survival strategy to have to set some boundaries. I could never be in a 24/7, co-dependent, never out without the other, type of relationship. My life has no set schedule, so it can get pretty hectic: juggling writing assignments, fielding pitches, meeting new sources, attending events, interviewing, following up, etc. I need the time to decompress, and just be by myself some days.

I recently complained to my friend Stephanie Echeveste how overwhelming it all can be. In turn, she sent me an article on how to be ultra-productive. The trick is to establish a routine: write everyday, go to Capoeira, read before bed, whatever it may be. If we keep it up long enough then it develops into a habit, and we won’t have to struggle to get out of it. Because it’s what we do everyday, it’s who we are.

A couple of months ago, I took a guy to Lake Tahoe with me. This trip, I decided, would be about getting away. No iPhone check-ins, no e-mails, no Facebook status updates. A liberation from the constant hyper-connectivity brought upon with the invention of smartphone. So you can imagine my shock when I woke up the first morning and saw him in our bed with his laptop up to his chest, reading a car blog! I was upset. “This is what I do every morning,” he said in his defense. “I wake up and check this blog.” It turned out it was his Secret Single Behavior, as Carrie Bradshaw coined in Season Four.

After taking a moment to really think about what was happening, I laid back down and realized, “just let him be.” If he wants to check a car blog on a beautiful morning in Lake Tahoe, that’s his deal. That’s what he does. It’s futile trying to change that. Just because I had expected a weekend of going totally unplugged, didn’t mean I could pull the plug on someone else’s prerogative. I felt so relieved once I let go of that, and accepted him for the person he was, car blog addictions and all.

BOY TOYS TALK BACK: What are some of your Not-So-Secret Single Behaviors? And how do you navigate having a new Dreamboat crashing that routine?

Oscar Raymundo
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Comments (16):

  • Great perspective! I never really thought about that. I dated a guy for 2 years who NEEDED to have electronic free quiet time sitting together on the porch with coffee. I simply… can’t/don’t/won’t do that. And it was weirdly getting between us! I guess it’s just an example of why people can’t warp everything about you – and you shouldn’t try to do that to who you’re with.

  • Great perspective! I never really thought about that. I dated a guy for 2 years who NEEDED to have electronic free quiet time sitting together on the porch with coffee. I simply… can’t/don’t/won’t do that. And it was weirdly getting between us! I guess it’s just an example of why people can’t warp everything about you – and you shouldn’t try to do that to who you’re with.

  • Just because that’s what he needed though, doesn’t mean you HAD to engage in that same pattern – just accept it. He should have understood that too.

  • Just because that’s what he needed though, doesn’t mean you HAD to engage in that same pattern – just accept it. He should have understood that too.

  • Jesse Oliver (@oliverjesse)
    Reply

    So Oscar … do you find sticking to a routine and unplugging increases your productivity? Or is Getting Things Done a myth? 😉

  • Jesse Oliver (@oliverjesse)
    Reply

    So Oscar … do you find sticking to a routine and unplugging increases your productivity? Or is Getting Things Done a myth? 😉

  • It does, Jesse. I have not had a smartphone in almost six months and I am the most productive I have ever been. Sometimes technology can be crippling instead of convenient.

  • It does, Jesse. I have not had a smartphone in almost six months and I am the most productive I have ever been. Sometimes technology can be crippling instead of convenient.

  • Bobby J. (@AutoAddictBobby)
    Reply

    Relationships take time. It’s like planting a flower – takes water, love & patience to see it bloom!

  • Bobby J. (@AutoAddictBobby)
    Reply

    Relationships take time. It’s like planting a flower – takes water, love & patience to see it bloom!

  • Wow Bobby – you must be an expert boyfriend 🙂

  • Wow Bobby – you must be an expert boyfriend 🙂

  • Bobby J. (@AutoAddictBobby)
    Reply

    Well, now I wouldn’t call myself an “expert” haha

  • Bobby J. (@AutoAddictBobby)
    Reply

    Well, now I wouldn’t call myself an “expert” haha

  • Safe Sex Advocate (@FriskyNSafe)
    Reply

    Bobby you’re an expert cutie, that’s for sure.

  • Safe Sex Advocate (@FriskyNSafe)
    Reply

    Bobby you’re an expert cutie, that’s for sure.

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